“You need courage to stand from high places.”
A coming of age novel for everyone who has a conflicted heart
★ Winner of the 2020 Changbi Prize for Young Adult Fiction
Yuwon is a 17-year-old high school student with a past. 12 years ago, she survived a horrific apartment fire. The cigarette butt of the elderly gentleman living above them grew into an inferno that engulfed their apartment. Yuwon’s older sister wrapped Yuwon in a damp blanket and threw her from the 11-story balcony as onlookers stared on in horror from below. The memories and scenes of that day imbedded themselves deep in Yuwon’s heart.
This story begins with the anniversary of Yuwon’s sister’s birthday. Yuwon’s family finds comfort knowing that Yuwon’s sister was able to celebrate her last birthday just days before dying. But Yuwon feels intense guilt over the fact that her sister, whom everyone liked, died saving her. Remembering her sister’s sacrifice, Yuwon feels she must live a happy life and try twice as hard at everything. But Yuwon feels conflicted over the fact that people still speak so fondly of her sister even though she has been dead for 12 years. Slowly, Yuwon begins to resent the praise for her sister.
If only there was someone to lift me up
When my heart feels heavy and I begin to fall
There is another person who causes Yuwon discomfort: namely, the man who caught Yuwon as she fell from their 11-story apartment all those years ago. The man always comes to Yuwon’s house on the anniversary of her sister’s birthday. The mood always becomes somber as he walks into their living room limping. The man, who ruined his leg when he caught Yuwon, comes to Yuwon’s house from time to time to receive free meals and money. He was once a local hero, but now he clings to Yuwon’s family like a bad memory. The mere sight of him is enough to evoke feelings of pity, unease, guilt, and loathing.
In this way, Yuwon tells the story of Yuwon, a girl living in ambiguity, neither victim nor perpetrator. Confronted by anonymous comments posted on 12-year-old articles about the fire, and neighbors who still remember Yuwon as a “fire survivor,” the “blanket baby,” or “a miracle,” Yuwon only sees absurdities in the world. How will Yuwon confront these inner demons?
The words ‘hope,’ ‘miracle,’ and ‘light’ are written all over the news articles from 12 years ago. People’s attempts to find hope in my story feels like violence. (p. 191)
But one day, Yuwon meets another girl named Suhyeon on the roof of the school and the two become friends, despite the fact Suhyeon is much more direct than Yuwon. Once Yuwon finally opens her heart, she confides in Suhyeon about her inner pain. In return, Suhyeon tells Yuwon about the secret pain she must also endure. As Yuwon and Suhyeon share the burden of each other’s pain, they realize that being empathetic gives people the strength to rescue themselves from their own grief.